My sister, god love her. She's been on a weight loss journey for a few months (maybe years... I lose track of time). She is doing amazing. She was my size when she started. Maybe a little smaller. She is skinny now. Like... crazy skinny. Like single digit skinny. (pant size... obviously)
My other sister (I have a total of 4 sisters) is now trying to lose weight. They are taking Adipex. (It's a prescription weight loss pill that's carefully watched because of its addictive nature) I took it. Once upon a time. I didn't like how I felt on it. I felt like I needed it to survive. I felt like I needed it to make it through the day. I didn't eat. I rarely slept. And my brain was telling me "you may be getting skinny, but you sure as hell aren't healthy".
I see people applauding my sisters for their weight loss talking about how they're sure they feel better. Isn't it nice to see your body start to look good. Isn't it nice to know you're taking care of yourself. blah blah blah.
I see these posts. I read them. I subconsciously have filed them away. I'm pretty secure with myself and my body. I'm a big girl. I always have been -- and probably always will be. Have I lost weight before? Yes. Did I do it in a healthy manner? Yes. Did I get the applause? Nope. Why? Because it was slooooow. It took me almost a year to loose 50 lbs. Then I got discouraged and threw in the towel. Now, after reading about how my sisters *have* to feel better and how they look so much better..... I have started to body shame myself.
The epiphany on what I was doing hit last night. After I got out of the shower and was standing in front of the full length mirror in my bathroom. My inner dialogue went something like this::: my thighs. dear god. they're ginormo. and those calves? yeah... no tall boots for me this year. Jay-sus. Look at my flabby upper arms! I think I could probably fly -- if not glide. and the stomach! Dear sweet baby jesus. I have a spare tire for my car AND a baker's dozen of rolls. Cripes!
I stopped. I stared at myself. I realized what I was doing. And I mentally slapped myself for being so disrespectful. Those legs? Yeah. They carry me from point a to point b. They may need a little more of the 'carrying' but they do their job. Those arms? they make my living. They hug my nieces and they lift them and hold them. my calves? well... they look fine in jeans... and besides, i don't even LIKE tall boots... so that's a non-issue. and lastly. My stomach. My stomach that my kitten likes to sit on and snuggle and paw at. My stomach that I treat decently with good for you foods... but I admit I over-do the sugar. It's a problem.
But you know what else? The overall picture isn't one of absolute desolation. I'm not a trainwreck. I am a human being with flaws. With parts of my body I'm not super thrilled about but as a whole... I think I look pretty decent. Sometimes I see pictures of myself and think "who IS that?" I guess the image I have of myself in my head is marginally different than what I see in pictures. I know I'm a big girl. My mental image IS a big girl. But I think I'm pretty cute. Like not cat calls as I walk down the street. But I have my good features.
so.... I am thinking about starting a new journey -- a journey that's been started multiple times. A journey to a healthier me. I am going to start eating healthier and 'moving my body' more. I'm not going to 'exercise'.... i'm going to 'move'. Walking, dancing, etc. If I lose weight and tone up, great. If I dont... ok. At least I know I'm taking care of myself and that I'm healthy. To me, that's more important than being skinny and getting compliments on how 'great' I look... while I become addicted to diet pills.
And quite frankly... I don't want to be skinny. I like being on the larger side. I like having a little extra chub to keep me warm in the winter. I'm being totally real right now.
This is not to say that I'm not proud of my sisters. They are fabulous ladies.... but we each have our own choices to make an our own paths to lead. I think I was born in the wrong era. I'm more traditional... but I'm also a lot-bit of a hippie freak. I don't like taking medication -- even tylenol. I don't like chemicals and additives. I want my food to be as pure as possible...'clean' if you will. So that's my game plan. To start living my life as I WANT. Instead of trying to help everyone else and make everyone else comfortable and happy.
This is the Season of ME! (only...not in an entirely selfish way....) :)
S&S
Shannon
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